Paradigm Shift: Enjoying the Process
Last week I had the privilege of meeting with a long-time friend over coffee to talk about life. At that point in the week, I was attempting to be hopeful in the midst of how the whole dating challenge has been going overall. Somewhere in the midst of the conversation as I was sharing my frustrations with him, I realized that I had been putting too much pressure on myself, and the guys with whom I had been connecting, to be in a relationship. The rules were simply that I had one month to grab coffee or drinks with someone. Not that they had to become my next boyfriend, or God forbid, my future husband.
I am sure I’m not alone in this. In fact, I have heard from several of my guy friends that women tend to approach dating with this mindset. They end up putting so much expectation on themselves and the ones they are dating for it all to mean more than a date, only to leave them disappointed and often angry in the end. While there is nothing wrong with keeping your end goal in sight and not wasting your time with someone in whom you see no potential from the beginning, we need to allow ourselves to go through the process. Not only do we need to go through the process but we must give ourselves permission to be patient with ourselves. We need to learn to enjoy that process. That being said, there is nothing wrong with having a date or two that are for the sole purpose of having fun! After all, I am finding more and more that I am pleasantly surprised at times that people aren’t always what I have expected them to be. Sometimes those silly, fun dates reveal this fact and that can be a very good thing.
It has been over a week since my disappointments have passed and at that point, I had yet to go on a single date. Only the night before having coffee with this friend, I had someone set up a date to grab a beer at one of the local breweries and never showed. Later that evening, I expressed my frustration with my friend who initiated these challenges. His advice in response hit me in a very real way, as it often seems to. As someone who has always struggled with rejection, each cancelled date, in one way or another, felt personal. That night over the phone, he told me, “You need to honor these guys in allowing them to say no to you, it’s not fair if you don’t. Allow them the opportunity to reject you and to do so without you being offended.” The word honor struck me. I’m not sure why I had never thought of it this way, especially when it seemed so obvious in that light. If the tables were turned, I would hope that I felt the freedom and the respect as a human being to say no to a date without too much negative repercussion.
I know that I tend to be a very emotional person in general, so his words, along with the additional advice of not messaging these guys for more than a day or so before meeting up with them as quickly as possible, seemed to be my saving grace in keeping these emotions in check. I’m not sure if he even knows how big of a deal this still is for me. Again, I am growing. He explained that there will be people who seem great online but once you meet with them, there will be no chemistry. At best, some of these people will be friends but more often than not, you will need to simply move on. With each failed date, I get to eliminate who isn’t working in hopes of moving closer to someone who does. Again, it seems simple, but this conversation was a paradigm shift in my brain.
By the time the weekend rolled around, I had already experienced this on a very real and practical level. Thursday night I had met with a guy that I had been texting throughout the week. Over text, we seemed to connect great! Wonderful conversation and questions that seemed to flow throughout the days. I knew this guy was a bit on the nerdy side, which didn’t seem like a big deal because anyone who knows me, knows that I am a giant nerd at heart! Just bring up Doctor Who, Narnia, or the Enneagram and you could have me talking for hours! But when I met him, it seemed he was more than just a little nerdy…
He barely talked as we met over drinks and spent most of the time staring at me. Which already made me incredibly uncomfortable. I rambled about practically anything and everything out of sheer nervousness because I knew if I didn’t there would be a silent tension so thick you would have to saw through it. It was painful to say the least. At one point while my date was in the bathroom, my brother texted me and asked if he wanted me to call and claim there was a family emergency. I laughed. I can’t say I hadn’t thought about ditching myself in that moment. But while I appreciated his willingness to have my back, I am an adult who could make it through one terrible date. At the end, my date walked me to my car and lingered, waiting for me to drive away — which I found incredibly odd. When I arrived home, he texted to say he had a wonderful time and wanted to see me again. In that moment, however, everything my friend had told me the night before seemed all too relevant.
Needless to say, there has been no more connection with that date and I have moved on to other prospects. On Sunday night I actually met with two different gentlemen, both of whom I enjoyed spending time with immensely. One was only passing through my city, so I knew there would be nothing more than the one date but I hung out with him that night and had a really great time. The other I met earlier in the afternoon to see the new Black Panther movie. While I typically am opposed to going to a movie on the first date, this gentleman was another whom I had been messaging back and forth for awhile. I was nervous that it would be a similar experience to my Thursday night date, so we agreed to meet in the lobby of the theater an hour before the movie and talk a bit. I wanted to know what I was getting into if I was going to sit in the dark for two and a half hours with someone I had just met.
When he walked through the door, he seemed even cuter in person than he did on his dating profile, which is a win in my book! While we talked, I found him to be very open-minded, genuine, funny, and quite intelligent — especially when it came to many of my fears about where I am at spiritually. I was rather surprised that the topic came up right off the bat and that he was entirely respectful of my personal beliefs as an individual while still understanding the potential need for that to evolve. Friends, this is a big deal! Almost as big of a deal as him living with two dogs! I should say that I have admitted to a few friends that I would be willing to date a guy for his dog… luckily that’s not the only reason I would be willing to date this guy. During our time conversing, we discussed some of the things we held in common, along with some of our different interest as well. Again, I find this to be a good sign with people. If you have too much in common, you often butt heads rather than enjoy the adventure with the challenges and the mutual celebrations that a person can bring to a relationship. So, obviously, I enjoyed my time with him. The movie was amazing as well (seriously, go see it!) which made it rather difficult not to walk away with a smile on my face.
The only downside to my movie date experience is that now I have to wait to see if he wants to hang out again. I have extended a second invitation and still await a response. I think this may be one of the hardest things in dating — when you genuinely like a person and are unsure if they are feeling the same. So I empathize with Mr. Thursday Night. But I am brought back to the fact that this is their right. If my movie date decides he wasn’t feeling it, in spite of how I felt things were going, it’s okay and I simply move on to the next prospect. Process of elimination, right? But am I wrong to be hopeful and to keep my fingers crossed that I can get coffee with him in the near future? Perhaps. I just have to be willing to let it go if it doesn’t happen.
I keep giving myself little mantras along the way as I attempt to navigate the modern dating world. I was explaining this to my aunt when she asked me how my movie date had gone… to which she informed me that I reminded her of Bill Murray in the film What About Bob? There’s nothing to make you feel completely normal quite like that sort of comment! Regardless, it has been vital in my baby steps as far as my own personal growth and navigating my self-conscious insecurities and fears in a world where rejection and vulnerability not only exist but are also necessary to the process of finding a relationship. One of those mantras is “You’ll never know unless you try!” along with my New Year’s mantra “Be Present!” Both of these mantras have helped me to take risks and simply enjoy being in the moment. As far as dating goes, these mindsets have helped me to successfully complete the challenge that my friend threw at me nearly three weeks ago. However, I am finding that the journey is really only beginning. I am excited to see where else it takes me.
