Overcoming Fears through Intimacy: A Journey of Being Known
As a woman on the brink of her thirties who has been single for the better part of eight years, getting back out into a rapidly changing dating culture can be rather intimidating. Add in a diagnosis of what the psychologist termed “social avoidance disorder” and we’ve already raised the stakes a bit. I have struggled most of my life with a deep innate fear of rejection. Many of my life’s experiences and past relationships have only heighten or fed into these fears, often as a result of self-sabotaging behavior. That is why listening to the words of Sarah Heath on The Sonderlust Podcast, which a dear friend of mine referred me, began to cause some intense inner turmoil. Sarah began the podcast as an experiment to document her process of ridding herself of the lie that everyone else’s lives are fuller and better than hers often seems to be, especially in the romance department. I’m sure many of us can relate. I know I do in a very real way.
As I got to talking with this friend and expressing my own fears and struggles of putting myself out there with the aim of being intimate with someone, he shot down every fear and called them for what they were: excuses. This is not to say that these fears are not very real struggles that I must learn to manage on a regular basis in a healthy manner. What I’m saying is, my friend seemed to see these fears as barriers, as walls that I was building up around my life and surrounding myself with, hiding in the solitude of singleness in an attempt to protect myself from rejection and humility. In a conversation that progressed over the course of an hour or so, this friend not only tore down every excuse for not being in a relationship but also any excuse I had for not writing more and not pursuing my life passions. These are the very things I went to school for and attained a degree, things I have put to very little use — save the occasional poem I might write when processing certain life experiences.
By the end of this conversation, I was given “homework” of writing a blog at least once a week, along with the assignment to go on a date with someone within a month’s time. At first, I was angry, if not extremely squeamish. The thing is, I have a deep appreciation for the people in my life who will hear me when I talk about these dreams and passions without allowing me to be content with them remaining as mere dreams. So in the end, I could not stay angry. Rather, I am choosing to face the challenge head on and apply whatever control I do have in the situation to do something about it all. In light of these challenges, I have decided to leverage them to my benefit and blog about my journey to get back on the dating scene. Which will give me both accountability and the practice of putting my thoughts to words that won’t hide in a box full of journals in my attic that no one except me will ever read.
This is not a revolutionary idea by any means, especially when it comes to the broad scheme of things. In fact, for anyone familiar with the Sonderlust Podcast, it is the very premise off of which Sarah’s interviews and conversations are built. Yet, in my world, as I’m sure many others can identify with, this means being very real and very vulnerable with myself and with others — in a very public sort of way. This means putting my words and my experiences out there to be subject to the potential judgement and ridicule, or rejection, if you will. Which is how my mind often skews these things. My journey will likely look very different than Sarah’s because, well, we’re different people. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have much to glean from her and perhaps my experience will encourage someone else out there who struggles with some of the same sort of things I do.
So for those out there who are perhaps in similar places, I hope that these blog posts serve as some sort of reminder that you are not alone in your fears and the desires to be seen and to be loved for who you are. I am not so naive as to believe that this will be an easy process but I am jumping in with both feet, deciding that the best adventures are comprised of taking risks. Life is far too often limited by our fears and insecurities. I, for one, aim to take back control of my life, pushing past those fears and seeing where it all leads, with all the failures and triumphs that come with the process. Worst-case scenario: I will have learned some valuable lessons along the way. Best-case scenario: I meet someone pretty great and learn to allow someone to love me as I am. Bottom line, fear has been a major recurring theme in my life and it’s time to stop allowing it to win out and define my existence. If this little homework assignment doesn’t serve to help me become a healthier, more well-rounded and loving person in the end, I don’t know what will. In any case, here’s to hoping.
